February 6, 2015
I’m going to the back seat of my car, with the woman I love, and I won’t be back for ten minutes! Oh, everything looks bad if you remember it. Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold.
Bart the Daredevil
Bart, with $10,000 we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love! Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution. I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me, Superman.
- I’m allergic to bee stings. They cause me to, uh, die.
- Our differences are only skin deep, but our sames go down to the bone.
Life on the Fast Lane
No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it. Uh, no, they’re saying “Boo-urns, Boo-urns.” Donuts. Is there anything they can’t do? I didn’t think it was physically possible, but this both sucks *and* blows. Your questions have become more redundant and annoying than the last three “Highlander” movies. Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me.
I’ve had it with this school, Skinner. Low test scores, class after class of ugly, ugly children… Last night’s “Itchy and Scratchy Show” was, without a doubt, the worst episode *ever.* Rest assured, I was on the Internet within minutes, registering my disgust throughout the world. When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV! A woman is a lot like a refrigerator. Six feet tall, 300 pounds…it makes ice. Dear Mr. President, There are too many states nowadays. Please, eliminate three. P.S. I am not a crackpot. Look out, Itchy! He’s Irish!
- Son, a woman is like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you’d step over your own mother just to get one! But you can’t stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!
- Slow down, Bart! My legs don’t know how to be as long as yours.
- Shoplifting is a victimless crime. Like punching someone in the dark.
- Human contact: the final frontier.
Homer: Bad Man
You don’t win friends with salad. What good is money if it can’t inspire terror in your fellow man? Can’t you people take the law into your own hands? I mean, we can’t be policing the entire city! And now, in the spirit of the season: start shopping. And for every dollar of Krusty merchandise you buy, I will be nice to a sick kid. For legal purposes, sick kids may include hookers with a cold. Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true!
Last Exit to Springfield
Oh, I’m in no condition to drive. Wait a minute. I don’t have to listen to myself. I’m drunk. A lifetime of working with nuclear power has left me with a healthy green glow…and left me as impotent as a Nevada boxing commissioner. Oh, a *sarcasm* detector. Oh, that’s a *really* useful invention!
Uh, no, you got the wrong number. This is 9-1…2. Slow down, Bart! My legs don’t know how to be as long as yours. But, Aquaman, you cannot marry a woman without gills. You’re from two different worlds… Oh, I’ve wasted my life.
Hi. I’m Troy McClure. You may remember me from such self-help tapes as “Smoke Yourself Thin” and “Get Some Confidence, Stupid!” Beer. Now there’s a temporary solution. I’ll keep it short and sweet — Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.